I miss my old attitude towards writing

I just finished the first draft of a book (some may say trilogy because of length) I worked on over a year and poured my heart and soul into it and I must say… looking back, it was a very painful journey. To quote Goethe (who probably never said this): It must come from heart what should touch hearts. Yeah, I probably take this way too seriously.

I really worked my emotions into it and tried to write authentic, realistic and love- or hateable characters. You know, just characters that feel like real human beings. I learnt a lot of new things about me, about writing during that process and it wasn‘t always comfortable to be honest. A lot of the times, it really hurt to write that story.

Now, thinking back of my old approach to writing, when my writing was probably shit and I ignored all the rules, it wasn‘t actually that bad. And I wrote because I wanted to tell a good story. I actually enjoyed writing for the most part. Of course, the research annoyed me and fleshing things out, but gosh, I was really – lighthearted towards the topic. Maybe it‘s because I was way younger and didn‘t understand how the world really worked, but well, even back then, I wrote about dark topics like mental illness, murder and crime. Now I‘m moving away from them, but it doesn‘t get more comfortable.

I miss this attitude… and I know that I didn‘t work emotions that well into the stories, but still. Sometimes I wish I could do that now. Write to tell a simple story people might forget after a few days, but write lightheartedly, write with „ease“, write to rest and relax. I can‘t do that anymore. Everything must have a “deeper meaning“, a „moral“ or „message“. It‘s kinda freaking me out.

Does anyone else feel like that?