I don’t even know

Was in a day clinic for 9 weeks and apart from depression my therapist said I might have BPD. So we went through diagnosis and they told me I scored 1,4 which means “strong indication for possible BPD symptoms” apparently I didn’t fit the criteria enough because all I did the last few months was isolate myself and then at the clinic I was doing ok. I was always scared of getting help because I thought I was just lying to myself and actually doing ok. I am someone who learned early enough to hide what I feel. I never acted on what I felt because I rationalized those feelings away. Ever since the clinic though I have been struggling.

There is just so much new stuff now. I never thought about cutting myself before, now when I get bad its always at the forefront of my mind, just like my not eating. I never act on it but now the thought is there to actively do it. I have never experienced this. Whenever I used to feel bad I just pushed it away and because I stopped trying to rationalize everything away NOW I am actually feeling things and Its so intense I want it to stop. I don’t even know why I am writing this. I just feel like this whole BPD topic has stirred something so deep inside of me. Also I have been getting to know this guy, absolute angel, but I feel like I am just way too “broken” to be loved. Yes maybe he’ll put up with it for a bit until he realizes I am a real piece of work so all I wanna do is just tell him to find someone better before he can leave me. Its dumb. I am dumb.

It just feels like no matter how hard I’ll try it will stay the same. I’ll never get better, I’ll never think I am worthy of love, I’ll never leave this town, I’ll never wake up wanting to embrace the day, I’ll never think about the future as beautiful, I’ll never ever find myself again.

Idk what I want. I don’t know if I wanna talk to someone, I don’t know if I want to be alone, I don’t know if I want to drive 100km/h, I don’t know if I want to cry or scream, I don’t know if I want to cut myself, I don’t know if I want to just get blackout drunk. I just don’t know