Pride month is feeling hard.

That's just about it. My husband and I separated for a while as I tried to gain independence and move towards my newly realized identity. I crashed and burned pretty hard due to being autistic, realizing that even if it kept me from being ~fully authentic,~ I needed to stay with him for my survival.

I really hurt him and damaged the marriage, but he is so kind and understanding and hopes we can get back to a good place.

An interesting detail: we're poly, and I've had a girlfriend through this process. I've severely hurt them as well through this failed attempt at self sufficiency. We're on a break now and I wouldn't blame them for deciding to jump ship.

It's all extremely layered and nuanced, but the gist is that my ideal self is truly not possible due to being autistic. I was really hopeful (and honestly delusional) for a while, thinking I could ever sustainably be on my own, and I am feeling so alone this month after trying and failing and being back in a straight passing marriage.