TW: Loneliness and mental health

When I first came to the realisation I wasn't straight in November of last year, I remember feeling intensely euphoric. It was like being in a dream where anything seemed possible. I'm in my 30s, had unsuccessful relationships with men and couldn't work out what was wrong with me. Then I realised I was into women and it was like a beautiful new world had been presented to me. I was absolutely beside myself with happiness.

However, one year later and I can honestly say I feel like this whole situation is taking a bit of a toll on me. I feel like I haven't really got anywhere with it. I've attended queer events and LGBTQ+ meetups and whilst it's been nice, I still feel there's something missing that I can't put my finger on. I still feel out of it, like I just don't have these shared experiences. The whole experience is also taking a toll on my mental health; I've started to feel much more anxious than usual and my diet and sleep is very poor at the moment.

Last night I went to a queer ladies event at a pub. I went in with a very open mind as I usually do, and wasn't there to pull or flirt or anything, but would consider it a successful night if I just had a conversation with someone. I didnt speak to a soul except the bartenders and most people who went were in groups or paired up anyway. I perhaps should have made more effort but I felt too creepy to just go up to someone and start talking to them. In the end I just drank alone and left.

I also feel I am too emotionally invested in my catalyst and I can't escape the feelings no matter how much I try. I feel like I'm just looking for people who look like her. I went to make a Hinge profile the other day and then backed out because to me it feels like I'm just trying to stick a plaster over a very open wound, or I'd be dating someone for the sake of trying to get over someone else (like a rebound). I may consider changing jobs next year (she's a coworker). However, I'm aware this is a case of intense limerence which I'm trying to work on separately.

But I can't go back to being "straight" anymore, not after what I know about myself now. I've managed sexless platonic relationships with men reasonably okay but it isn't fair on either them or me in the long run. I know I am into women, but something just isn't working right now and I'm not sure what it is.

I had one close LGBT friend who stopped talking to me not long after I came out to her. My straight ex (male) knows and is supportive to a degree, but he cannot understand it really. My parents do not know. It feels very lonely, and the best way to describe it is like being stuck in some sort of no man's land... I'm no longer part of the heteronormative world I knew for 32 years, but I also still don't feel part of LGBTQ. I'm in some sort of vague inbetween nothing area.

Thank you for reading my vent if you made it this far. I love this sub and hearing people's experiences and would be very keen to hear if anyone has gone / is going through a similar thing.