i’m 18

i was never meant to make it to this age i still feel 12 i don’t think i ever continued to grow after that shit it stumped me mentally for fucking years i got off my meds after thinking it was my answer it wasn’t everything feels fake im apart of one giant system genuinely why why is anyone or anything here i cant even force myself to believe in a god to grasp some kind of minute fucking purpose everything is just a cycle pushing each other forward yet no one on this entire fucking planet truly going any productive the world is burning im addicted to nicotine again the weed it worse i cant stop spending money i dont even want to begin to unpack any of this with a therapist for the tenth time and the worse part is its all in my head. i can consciously realize how insignificant it all truly is and that that is the beauty in it that i am so small on this floating rock that every mistake is just one unfathomably small moment in an infinite universe. yet all i do scroll on my phone or sit or smoke and barely eat i haven’t had an appetite in what feels like 6 years and my life is fine i shouldn’t feel this way i live fine im alive aren’t i that’s lucky enough but the why. why why why why why does any of this exist why is it here why can i type why can you read did this why did you read this did anyone read this and yet this pure amount of shit i claim to be my problems i can hardly spend any time thinking of how to deal with my issues but rather feel guilty for having them, feeling them, not helping others when i know the things i do, and not being there for him. tahts i want to fucking do but i just i cant i fuck so much shit up i zone out for weeks at a time how can you live an autopilot how can i love a fucking autopilot i can’t handle being a vessel anymore. i’m not ready re reading this so good luck and thank you it was nice to cry, i hope who ever reads this has a better day than i did