I'm Tired...

I'm a medically complex person with severe anxiety and ptsd and other things, I just turned 21 years old in June and I'm suprised I've made it this far. I was not expected to make it long due my issues but because of my parents and family, I'm alive, which I am grateful for, but on the same token I dont see certain things happening for me as much as I'd like too. I'm in constant physical pain and because of dozens of certain issues there are sooo many medications I cannot take, I've recently found that Edibles are honest to God the ONLY thing that makes being awake bareable, I feel no pain and my mind feels at ease, I'm not addicted to them, its actually been a month since I last had them, but due to certain families veiws on that subject, I try to do that as least often as I can to not upset anybody or make them think I have a problem, but I've confessed to some close friends that if Im ever on my own, there will never be a day or minute that goes by that I will not be on them. I have huge dreams of being a musician, singer and performer, being on stage with the artists I adore (which will be rare/ difficult now due to alot of them being dead or retired) I have it all planned out too!! I can see my whole career in my mind!! and I'm in love with it!! but when I was young I had a surgery that they had to cut my throat for and the scar is at least and inch and a half wide, so my voice (at least to myself) sounds raspy and just not good, its one of my biggest insecurities. I'm working on my singing voice and I think I've gotten okay but It's not how I want it. I've made many mistakes in life that I am not proud of and even in the moment of them happening I was mad at myself. some were self related and some were relationship related, and due to that I've noticed that I've been turning out like my parents, something I expressed a fear of with my ex some years ago, and due to that I havent been in a relationship. I know its something you have to jus go for when you want it but I honestly dont. I'm not Asexual or anything (theres nothing wrong with being a different sexuality, love who you love) but I just dont feel like I can do that again... and no hate on my parents/family I love them to death and Im grateful for them, there have just been so many family problems and issues that it scares me that I will turn out the same. I have talked with family and friends so many countless times and I've basically heard it all. from "it will get better" to deep conversations, understandings, coming to terms, and everything in between, but now I am so mentally, emotionally and physically tired and in pain that I just don't know how to go about it anymore. I know I'm still young and theres so much of life for me to live but it doesn't excite me like it used too, and it feels like while my friends and family want to help and be there, at the same time they don't know what to do or how to help and I understand that whole heartedly with no harm/ offense taken. I know I'm not an easy person to live with and I know that "with the right people you wont feel that way" but after 20 years of people coming and going, things changing and happening, it feels pointless. My depression has gotten worse since my breakup however long ago (Ive had depression since I was at least 7 years old due to family problems, I didn't realise it was even depression until I was 15 so tbh I've probably had it longer and ((due to some surgeries and memory loss, I just cant remember))),there was a time when I thought I had finally gotten better but now I realise that just was not the case. weight gain has also been a issue. One of my issues is I have a feeding tube (G-Tube to be exact) due to being born without an esophogus, and food is not an easy topic. I love certain foods, but my body doesnt digest food the way it should. Orally it takes up to a day to reach my stomach (which by then theres nothing to obsorb) and through the Tube same thing, even though one should make it easier on my stomach, due to a fast metabolism, that isnt the case either. I feel like I'm fighting my own body every single day and its getting exhausting and I want to just give in and end it. with recent developments of migranes due to my hydrosephylis, its made being awake harder. Also due to my ADD (ADHD) its hard to understand, comprehend, cope with things, I'm barely getting an understanding of life (bills, medical things, work etc) I can't work due to my insurence fucking me over, with how many complications I have I can only work a certain amount of hours, certain amount of days, and earn a certain amount of money without fear of my insurence dropping me. I already got extremely sick transfering to adult doctors (due to it taking forever to get some medications) I gave my family medical power of attorney due to numerous occasions where I'm unable to decide or understand things due to being on meds or waking up from procedures and sometimes it didn't turn out well so to avoid that I gave it to my family which is comforting for both parties. I'm not begging for sympathy (believe me its the last thing I would ever want) and I don't mean to seem like I'm complaining, I am just genuinely tired and am begining to feel like this.. everything... ultimately just is not meant for me... I have a new nephew and friends that I'm staying for but as much as it hurts... It's something I cannot stop thinking about...