Hello. I think I need help.

Hello.

My heart is really heavy tonight as I write.

Six months ago, after more than a decade of daily drinking i decide to end this because I am too poor to afford beer.

I then develop some ear problems. I hear my loud, boomy baritone voice hit my eardrum hard every time I speak.

My job required me to talk. I am self employed. I decide to quit, unable to continue anymore.

I start writing, following the advice from some self help book.

I will always remember this morning where I write :

“If everything was possible , what would I become ? “

And I feel the pen gliding on the paper, and witness the words “a woman” appearing before me.

I realize I have to explore this because frankly my life is finished right now and it’s only a piece of paper, it’s not gonna do anything to write.

I write and I remember episodes of my life. I realize i have been suppressing a lot of who I was.

A freaking lot.

Page after page, for months all I write is about this. Becoming a woman. I go as far as buying a dress and putting it on and, to my surprise I look incredible in it. I even try it on before my wife, saying I bought it for the fabric as I started learning stuff about sewing.

I am also terrified. Terrified. On one hand i realize i had dreams, visions of me as a woman and this makes me feel incredible. On the other hand I am so scared.

I find out people who are trans are actually kind of nice people, also I realize I wouldn’t mind being a trans woman at all : ladies, you are so inspiring for me.

But on the other hand I feel shitty and keep repeating to myself it’s not going to happen, I don’t want my … breadstick ? To go from what I know to something I don’t exactly know. What if I don’t like it ?

I explore some more of my past and repressed feelings. And oh boy. The deeper I dig, the more dysphoria I find, I realize I also am dissociating every single day since puberty and that’s what led me to drinking : when I am tipsy, I am still dissociating but I can blame it on the booze.

I realize as a child I loved it when my classmates would call me a girl.

I realize as a teen I was drawn to trying on my mom’s clothes. Not my dad’s. My parents found out and we had a “talk”… and it’s a blur period of my life, i remember being locked in a closet for hours, being told horrid stuff about people transitioning and bigot stuff and … it’s fragmented, blurry and may not be exact in any way but I believe I was mentally abused into suppression.

I remember people I knew as a young adult closely monitoring me for signs of me being trans, cracking transphobic “jokes” and me not laughing (I hate transphobia, I hate this so much, always did !!) Finding out later in life these people all knew each other and knew my family turned my blood into ice.

And, basically I could go on and on and on for hours about this journey of me wanting something, me repressing it and me being conditioned into repressing it.

I remember the dissociation I felt and still feel .

It’s been a hard 6 months. I realize I am just not a man. I admitted to my wife, after she asked if I wanted to “become a woman” that I already was one.

I can’t bring myself to do anything about it or finally admitting that I desperately need to do something and to take a damn decision.

And then the orange buffoon and his army of Buttlickers show up and they just proceed to oppress trans people specifically because some egomaniac decided his daughter wasn’t a valid person. He reminds me of my dad. More fear for me, though.

I am not asking what should I do. I am here to share this story and to ask you this : What would you do ?

Deep down, I would love exploring being a woman in my late 30s and I dread doing nothing about what I feel. I don’t care if I am a big, incredible woman who wields a guitar with ease, has a twisted sense of humor, likes coffee and wears black dresses. That doesn’t sound half bad to me, sure beats doing nothing. I can’t even see myself regretting this decision.

But the fear keeps me from just smashing this damn egg of mine. If the world was perfect, what would I become ? No limits. I see the pen gliding on the paper, writing down: “A woman”

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah ! Fuck it this time I am posting this !!

Edit : I forgot to mention the more I connect with that woman within me the more my ears heal. That’s also a strong indicator. Also the idea of girl me playing guitar feels good beyond words. Ahhh …. Fear can hold me back for only so long

I have learned that the caterpillar goes into a chrysalis at some point. It melts away completely and then from the soup the caterpillar has become, from the dna in this goo, a butterfly forms and then tears apart the chrysalis.

I feel like caterpillar soup and I maybe it’s time for me to just… 🥚🔨