I’m a bit confused atm.

I (19AMAB) am having serious doubts my feelings are “real,” (at least in the sense that they’re 100% true to myself). IDK if this is the right place to be but I listed all of them below to see if any of you think they hold any truth. If anyone can help me try to get an idea of what’s internalized bullshit and what’s not, or if anyone can relate to these doubts I’d like to hear your thoughts. I’ll give some context first as to what my situation is:

I’ve known I was bisexual since middle school, I came out in high school and practically everyone knows now. I started exploring makeup/crossdressing in about 8th grade, and I didn’t do it very often as I didn’t have much time completely alone (and also it was just way too much work most of the time for my ADHD ass to not only learn how to do it but also conceal the fact that I had done it) but when I did, I got a crazy rush inside. I interpreted this as strictly sexual at first, but over the years, the question of if it was more than just a kink appeared in my head again and again. I would always answer it primarily with doubt #3 below, but fast forward to about last September and this changes.

I went to a party where a few girls I was talking to decided to put makeup on me. The amazing rush in my chest had hit me like never before. I got so many compliments from people, and with every time someone said I was a pretty girl the rush only increased. It was one of the best nights of my life. In the time after that, I considered the possibility of being genderfluid, since there are certainly some times when I don’t feel as strong of an urge when I’m alone to crossdress as opposed to just existing as who I am now. But since then, the femme urges have only been getting stronger and the male ones are slowly decreasing. While I used to be frightened at the idea of HRT, the idea of at least microdosing estrogen is enticing to me now.

So now that I’ve yapped your collective ass off about the lore, here’s what I’ve been thinking:

  1. Shouldn’t I have known since I was younger? If not me then someone else at least must’ve picked up on it, but I also never naturally exhibited a lot of feminine behaviors as a child (besides loving having long hair). The few times I did, I’d feel embarrassed and make sure not to do it again. Wouldn’t at least something have slipped by to someone at some point?
  2. While I have had close female friends at some points, the vast majority of my friends are male. If I’m trans, wouldn’t I have instinctually sought out other women to be friends with in social situations on a more regular basis? Or at least to the point where I have near equal male and female friends. Even on the level of a subconscious human instinct that people find others that relate to them.
  3. Questioning my gender stemmed from a femboy/crossdressing fetish. That might be a normal phenomenon for people, but the thing is I started watching porn a younger age than I should’ve. I know this is often a braindead conservative talking point, but my mind was far from done cooking at the time. So could the shitty dynamics in porn have fucked up my perception of myself?
  4. I don’t really hate my body. That being said, I wish things were different a lot of the time, and I do strongly dislike some parts like body hair. I daydream about having a bigger chest/butt/other feminine traits and get a hint of that amazing rush again, but as it stands I’m pretty confident in the way I look in terms of handling myself in public. However I have been feeling more and more dysphoric since I realized I might not be cis. Is it just because I’ve entertained the idea? Could I regret “fixing something that ain’t broke,” so to speak?
  5. I’ve rarely ever had genital dysphoria. This is one of the things I feel strangest about, I don’t really mind having a dick and wouldn’t want it removed even if I were to go on HRT. I don’t know what the majority opinion is on this but is this a necessary symptom to have in order to be trans?
  6. I know this is often a bit on the internet but am I really just exhibiting “fatherless behavior?” My parents have been divorced for a long time and my relationship with my father is not great. It was really awful up until late high school, but at this point even though there’s not really animosity anymore I barely see or think about him. Could this dynamic and general lack of male role models have caused me to feel the way I do about my gender?
  7. I smoke a lot of weed and fuck around with drugs. Not anything too heavy, but definitely stuff that toys with the psyche. I haven’t been super mentally unwell for more than a week or so at a time since COVID, but I have ADHD and anxiety. Could I just be enabling some kind of trauma/old mental illness/drug-like thrill seeking by enabling girly feelings?

Thanks to anyone who actually read all the way here, if not… TLDR Is my specific transfem urge real or is it caused by traumas/circumstances/mental processes I experience/have experienced?