I want to kill myself because I'm a virgin

That's basically it. I've done some creepy behaviors in the past that I'm really not proud of (you can read my other post if you care to. Its not great). Good intentions or not, lack of social skills and awareness or not. I harassed women. I'm not proud of it. In face I hate myself for it actually. Its one of the main reasons I self harm.

The other one being a virgin. I did eventually get my shit together, learned how to not be creepy, apologized for what I did. I made friends and joined my school's track team. But nothing really changed how much I hated myself. I'm extremely touch starved. I have a dog and stuff but that doesn't really seem to help. I hate how ugly and fat I am (even if I'm trying to lose weight). I think I don't deserve to exist, that I'm so creepy and ugly and lack social skills that it would just be better off ending myself. I've been in and out of mental hospitals for this before, but they just give me psychosis medicine that makes me extremely sick and then release me back into hell.

I just wish I was attractive to someone. It doesn't even have to be a relationship, just something casual. Something to prove I'm worthy enough to be touched and loved. Something that shows I'm not a freak. its all encompassing. I can't study, i can barley eat sleep and go to practice/class. Its all I ever think about. I try to drown myself in my hobbies and try to make friends, but nothing ever seems to work. I'm not owed sex or anything. Sex is a very intimate thing that shouldn't be given to everyone. I just wondering what is so fundamentally wrong with me. I know part of it is being a virgin. I've talked to escorts before, looking to lose it, but the ones I talked to told me they don't do virgins. At this point, my therapist has told me getting an escort would be a terrible idea, and I have some medical bills I have to pay now for family sot that's out of the water. I've gone out before, almost every night at this point. I do it for fun mostly, but when i try to look for someone everyone just shuts me down before I can even start. Which they are totally in their right to do. But am I just that hideous? That undeserving of connection? I don't know. I wish I knew what was wrong with me, what's so fundamentally unattractive about me so I can fix it. Part of me knows its my desperation, but its never been able to go away. No matter how hard i try to distract myself, cut myself, etc. I can't stop the endless thoughts and the endless pain. I cut myself sometimes to try and suppress the thoughts but nothing ever works.

The only reason at this point I haven't shot myself is because I don't want it to accidentally go through a wall and hurt someone else. I've tried so hard to get better for so long. Lose weight, improve my style, work on my social skills. But nothing I ever do matters. Nothing I ever do works. I'm always alone, and that's all I'll ever be at this point.