Finally seeing how terrible I've been as a person.

I've been thinking a lot, and digging deep into my memories with this stuff. Tracing back how far it all goes to the root. Some of the people who have stuck me out for years have enlightened me about how bad I really was. Being more introspective didn't get me that far.

I look back, with the help of others, and I see the fully dysfunctional person I was before. I'm not perfect or healed by any means now, but I've been leagues better than I was.

Nothing was ever my fault. It was always the world's fault, and everyone's around me. I was always the victim, or the one being wronged unfairly. Anyone who was getting attention for being better than me in any capacity was my competition and it was my sole purpose to make them know how much I hated them for it. Everything was about me. Every ceremony and celebration for someone around me was abruptly ended because of my own jealous, bitter attitude towards not being the one who was recognized for such achievements. My friends and partners were not allowed to talk about their successes or anything that made me feel inferior to them. They were not allowed to put anyone else above me. Not even themselves. Any disagreement or difference in perspective from mine lead to a split where I belittled and discarded them, sealing them into the silent treatment and showing how cold I was and how little I cared. There was not enough room in my heart or my mind for anyone except for me. When someone around me was dealing with something difficult for them it took even farther than a backseat to whatever my struggle was. Objective outsiders told anyone close to me to run as far as they could away from me and I responded angrily out of denial.

And now, I see so much of it. Some of that is with the help of others. I knew I have problems, and that I've been a problem. I didn't know how far deep it all really ran until those people who stayed around really got into how I've made them feel before. Some of it was so irrelevant to me and I cared so little that it vanished from my memory. I can't even recall some of the worst things I've done to other people.

Part of me misses being so blissfully ignorant to my disorder. The other part of me feels sick thinking about how despicable of a person I was before. "Before" wasn't forever ago. It was as recent as a year ago. Maybe even more recent than that. My true colors are ugly and as more time passes, the more I see of how horrible I have been as a person for my entire life.

Now I have to fix it, as best I can. I've tried so hard to at least fix my attitude and how I treat the people around me that I give a shit about. I don't even have a clue how to fix my dysfunctional thoughts. I don't know how to stop splitting; how to care and empathize, how to stop thinking and acting so selfishly. But now the rose tinted glasses are gone, and I can see how terrible I've been and how terrible I've treated people up until I became aware of my narcissism.