I Discovered My Wife (28F) Of 7 Years Is Cheating On Me (30M). She Doesn't Know That I Know - UPDATE 2
Personal Note: I didn't think this would blow up like it has after the original post was buried and overlooked. Thank you for all your advice and for the personal stories and experiences you have private messaged me. I'm sorry I haven't been able to respond to you all.
Let me say that I'm not really interested in joining any "cause". All you need to do is have a cursory look at the relationship subs and you'll see there are just as many women heartbroken by infidelity as men, maybe more even. It's not a sexist issue. It's an issue of low character and morality, Having low character and morality has nothing to do with your gonads. I have had both heartbroken men and heartbroken women PM me their stories and I see very clearly that this issue is not delineated by sex.
If you don't believe this is real, I don't know what to tell you. Sorry. Please block me and ignore me if it's a bother.
On to the update: TL;DR: I got info from the VAR. She's definitely cheating. I'm angry and heartbroken. I already have a lawyer. I've been looking at lawyers since before Christmas. Like a lot of you said, I'm going to have to get a PI for good evidence for an at fault divorce. My dad is taking our a HELOC on his home to help pay for it.
I checked the VAR recordings from Emily's car and I got some info.
There was the usual business and personal calls, and some Taylor Swift sing-a-longs.
The first call of note was with John. Apparently she had not talked to him since NYE. She was angry with him for sending the gift at Christmas and keeping her late at NYE. John was dismissive and cocky at first. Emily then told him about how I asked her if she was cheating on me during NYE. That got John's attention and he was asking all kinds of questions. He seemed really interested if I had mentioned him by name at all (I DIDN'T). He said he thought she was handling me. He told her that they should be safe if she has always used the card. She said she did. He asked her if she wanted to meet and she started crying. She told him that the relationship has stopped being fun for her and that they should stop and she wasn't going to lose her marriage over this (TOO LATE HONEY!). He told her that she should just keep lying to me. He seemed really worried about his wife finding out (OH, SHE WILL, ASSHOLE!!). He told her not to call him again on his phone and that they'll talk the next time they meet. He also told her to be sure and delete everything off her phone and computer. She said she already had.
Her next call was to her BFF, "Bev". Bev knows about the affair and my wife was crying. Emily told Bev about NYE and that she thinks I suspect something and Bev told her to keep lying to me but also told her she should probably end her affair because I would definitely divorce her if I find out or if she confesses (DING DING DING! BEV KNOWS ME SO WELL!). Emily said she is in the process of ending her affair with John.
I always considered Bev a mutual friend. I've met her husband. We've been out on "couples dates". He's going to get a message from me outlining his wife's liberal views on infidelity as well as a link to the recording of her phone call (I'll check with my lawyer first). Interested in both men and women's views on this. How would you feel if you knew your spouse was actively encouraging their friend to hide their infidelity and talking about how it is with their cheating friend? Should I be pissed at her??
I did some web searching and anonymous asking around on social media and, on the advice of stuff I got here on reddit, met with what I think are the three best family law attorneys in my area. I had official consultations with them. I did this so that two of them wouldn't be able to take my wife's case because of conflict of interest. What they didn't tell me in those reddit comments/posts is that the really good family law attorneys don't do free consultations. They charge you for them and then some pro rate that charge towards your bill if you select them to represent you. So I ended up spending $1600 for all that. Just FYI.
I'm not super rich. We have a lot of money saved up but I don't want to tip her off by touching that. My wife's business is doing really well, but she has the "what's mine is mine and what's yours is ours" attitude when it comes to paychecks and I didn't mind until now. I make 6 figures as a senior developer and we don't have a mortgage or rent payment. When my mom died, my dad moved down to Florida to The Villages. He lets us stay in his house rent free. It's already paid for. I say this because my dad is taking out a HELOC on the home to help me pay for the divorce attorney. A really good divorce attorney is very expensive, I've learned. The plan is to refinance it in my name after the divorce is over. Meanwhile, I'll be making the payments by writing checks to my dad. The HELOC is still pending, so I'm paying with a credit card I took out for this occasion. I'm pretty much certain my credit score will be shot to hell after this.
I talked to my divorce attorney and gave her the recordings and she said it was good evidence. I told her about how Emily is ending it with John and about the card John mentioned. She told me to take a picture of the card if I can find it and send it to her. I asked her if it was legal to do that and she said yes because it's accessible within shared marital property. She's going to subpoena the card statements. As far as Emily ending it with John goes, my lawyer said maybe but don't count on it.
My attorney also told me the same thing y'all told me and that's I need to hire a PI. She told me she had a good one . I told her I already had all this evidence and she said that evidence and testimony from a PI carry more weight with the court because a PI knows how to get admissible evidence legally and is impartial. She told me her goal is to get enough evidence so that any attorney my wife got would settle rather than go to trial because she'd subpoena John and John would be exposed too. She told me she wouldn't be surprised if John paid for my wife's attorney, which would be a dumb idea for her because that attorney would mainly have John's best interests in mind. But, since he's paying for everything else, she'd probably go for it. I'll be meeting with the PI on Monday.
Meanwhile, Emily is love bombing me. She's telling me how great I am and how much she appreciates me and how lucky she is. She's talking about starting a family before she's 30 (NOT WITH ME, YOU'RE NOT). She wants us to go on a long romantic trip that she's planning on paying for with her money (with John's card probably). I want to scream at her and tell her I'd rather slam my dick in a car door but I have to keep playing nice (for now).
Fuck this shit, man. I can't believe this is my god damn life now.
I want to hug her and kiss her and make love with her again but then I remember her mouth was around that asshole's junk. He completed in her mouth and she came home and kissed me with it. I had sloppy seconds for 9 months. But she LOVES me! I love her and I hate her. I'm walking cognitive dissonance. My attorney told me to get into counseling. I will. I think I need to. I just want to run away from her and towards her at the same time. Does that sound stupid? Am I going crazy?