I WISH IT REALLY HAPPENS AND THEY DON'T EVEN FIND MY BODY

It physically hurts, like something is crushing my chest and tightening around my throat, i can't breathe. But the tears won’t stop.

He threw this top out on the street and yelled at me. And my mom? She said nothing. I don’t even shop for myself anymore. What’s the point? Every time I like something, I hear the same things: “That’s too short.” “Skinny jeans are too tight.” So I just stopped. I told my mom to buy me whatever she wants because, in the end, it doesn’t matter what I like.

But today… today, she called me herself. There was a sale, and her friend and daughter were there too. For once, I felt like maybe--just maybe--I could pick something I liked. It was just a cropped hoodie didn't even show my waist! . And the moment my (maternal) uncle saw it, he threw it out on the street like garbage. He screamed at me, humiliated me, made me feel worthless. And my mom? Again, nothing.

Why? Why even let me feel happy for a second if you’re going to crush it like this?

And don’t “It’s for your protection.” Protect me WHERE?! Did you forget? Did you forget you have caged and isolated me in?! You don’t even let me step outside! I can’t take a walk in the park because “a group of boys sit there.” I go to a dummu school and you drop me off and pick me up for exams! It’s been two years since I stopped regular school, two years i have barely stepped out of house , and in all this time, you’ve let me meet my friends twice. TWICE. Did you forget when I lost my chance to play at state level cause YOU didn't let me go??!!I DON'T GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT YOU,I DON'T TALK TO ANYONE. ALL. I. DO. IS. STUDY!! Then where ?!!

This isn’t about protection. It’s about your so-called reputation and control!

At this point, I WISH once and for all IT REALLY HAPPENS! and THEY TORTURE ME TO DEATH!! i wish you don't even find my body!!

And Mom? Did you forget when your own uncle touched you, and you said nothing? The same man you still respect? The same man who moral polices me too, who acts like he has any right to dictate what’s “decent”?

Did you forget how you told me to stay quiet when I was harassed? I was eleven. Eleven. I was wearing a t-shirt.

Where is the “protection” !? Where?!

Also I am crying in bathroom cause I can't even cry!!! "He is family, Don't we have that much right on you? HE HAS DONE SO MUCH FOR US (yes he has) You are just spoiled and overreacting, we really should just stop your education and get you married!"

I can't..I just can’t..maybe I am overreacting but I am dead from inside.