Month 2 coping with death of mom

I turned 21 around a month ago, and I noticed everything is just getting harder. I even doubled my antidepressants and I still can’t stop thinking about my mom that I need her. I keep crying. Everyone told me that I was strong for crying when she was sick also(that’s the reason why I got on antidepressants, I would cry so much and get so much anxiety that I couldn’t breathe). But yes everyone told me I was strong and that it was good to cry. But now out of my siblings I feel the weakest. I adopted a kitten that I am picking up next week, and I feel like that is a good idea somehow? But these days I can barely eat or leave my bed and I have lost a lot of weight. It is like my body is in constant pain. I feel like I am at the stage of realizing that she is not coming back. Although I do remember her dying in front of me. And I remember hugging her dead body and trying to wake her up while crying so much for hours over her. I felt as she turned more cold. But a part of me still kept thinking no way she’s not coming back. Or I thought that she would visit me in my dreams, and not really be gone. But I don’t feel her anymore. I don’t really see her in my dreams. I feel a craving to hold her hand. I feel a craving to talk to her and give her a hug. The world has lost its color, and I keep feeling worse and worse. We have not buried her yet because my little brother just graduated and I think we were all overwhelmed. At night, my old dog fell down the stairs and I remember running down so worried and getting the same feeling that I got the last time my mom was upstairs, and she tried walking down and she told my dad and I that she couldnt breathe half a year ago. One thing that I remember well was being around her and keeping an eye on her breathing, to make sure she was still alive, or if it was her last breath, and now I can’t really be close to people and watch their breathing because I think I am traumatized somehow? Maybe? The fact that you can love someone so much and they can just die messes me up