Want to be non-verbal.

Edit to update- thank you so much, sincerely. I was honestly super afraid to write this out and re-wrote it probably 5 times. I want to learn and am so thankful to the people who provided emotional labor when they certainly did not have to. I have a TON to reflect on and learn about, and people gave me some really good suggestions to look into. Thank you so, so much for allowing me to be vulnerable and i am just so appreciative again, to everyone that responded. I also think it’s important we have deep/hard discussions like this, because it’s quite obvious I’m not the only one who needed the knowledge.

I marked it as potentially triggering because the last time I asked this question (not Reddit) I was called insensitive and ableist. But wasn’t given reasons as to why so I’m still unsure.

Anyway- I’m older and recently diagnosed. I’ve always been a ‘talker’ and not ‘afraid to speak up’. In reality? I hate speaking, I hate talking, I hate everything about it. I much prefer written responses coming from me. I can’t keep up with what I’m saying half the time, and constantly fumble over my words. In a nutshell, I wish to hell I could be non-verbal. Like if I never spoke to another human again I’d be heaven. But that wasn’t allowed or understood when I was growing up, so here I am. Hating myself and overcompensating. On my days off, if I don’t have to leave my house, I don’t open my mouth unless I talk to my cats or consume something.

Someone please tell me I’m not alone on this. Or please explain to me why it’s ableist, I’m super open to feedback/learning. I just feel very alone in this 😞